I’ve been in freezing NYC this week, so for the first time in years I’ve been working out in a commercial gym. To get my guest pass, I had to follow a Fitness Associate around the gym while he pointed out all the things that would make a $200 initiation + $70 a month membership fee worth it.  They were:

1. An entire wall of ellipticals outfitted with 80+ channels, including the Food Channel so you can get inspired by Paula Dean beating back her diabetes with triple layer chocolate frosted chocolate cake and Guy Fieri cramming a calf slathered in mayonnaise into his maw.

2. A set of 26 machines that let you work a single muscle at a time from the comfort of color-coded, padded seats.

3. And this:

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Yes, that’s a swath of Astroturf in the middle of an indoor gym. This is apparently a new trend – making an indoor gym seem more outdoorsy by installing a patch of fake grass.

Now, I can maybe understand this in the middle of New York City, where there’s precious little green space and it is presently 8 degrees. But if you’re in a place where there’s actual grass in an actual outdoor space, for chrissake go use it. Why pay good money to do pushups on fake grass when they can do pushups for free on real grass?

And does exercising one muscle at a time on a padded seat have any real world application? No! The real world does not call on your muscles one at a time. At queerfit, our workouts always have real world applications, like fare jumping:

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Go Myoshi!

Queerfit is tomorrow morning at 10:00 in the greenspace – outdoors, with real grass – just north of the Inman Park MARTA station. It will be 41 degrees and sunny.

And then long run Sunday at 10:30 with J-Star, meeting in the Charis parking lot. From there, you will run outdoors from point A to point B, breathing real air, kicking away real dogs, swerving around real strollers.